Hole Heart, Whole Heart

An actual quote from a page in my journal, written on 12.10.16:

"There's a hole in my heart that even you cannot fill, God."

Okay. First of all, I knew it wasn't true even as I wrote it.
Our God is limitless. There is nothing He cannot do.
Secondly, yes. I am aware of how dramatic I am. But what good would I be as a writer and a language arts teacher if I didn't carry around a toolbox of dramatic storytelling capabilities?

But my real point is this.. Here I am, nine days later, wet with spiritual tears, because I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for God's goodness and an overflowing, joyful heart.

It's funny how that works. We have all of these desires. We think we know exactly what is best for us. We expend ALL of ourselves, until we are depleted, trying to grasp all of these things and then hold them all together. But then something happens. We crash. We drop and shatter all of those metaphorical plates that we were dizzying ourselves to keep spinning. And we blame God.

Why would He let this happen? Doesn't He know this is what's best for me? Doesn't He see that all of these things have to be in place before I can truly serve Him?

Wrong. Nine days ago, I was crying because a relationship ended. I literally did FEEL like there was an actual hole in my heart! So, I withdrew. I paused. I went into a mode of internalization. I refused to do anything except for those things that make my soul feel very happy, and I waited on God. A week or so passed... and I realized... I did have one thing right.

God really never did intend to fill just that one abandoned hole in my heart. Instead, He had plans to fill my whole heart abundantly, to overflowing.

Our God is still in the business of healing hurting hearts! When I felt confused and broken, I turned to God. Suddenly, purpose and inspiration and happiness and love were all around me, brewing inside of me and being reflected in all of the scattered pieces of my life.

Suddenly, my life feels simplified; I feel like I'm back on course with the purposes and positions that He has for me. I can see His hand, dressing me in blessing and favor. I can see His Spirit, reflected in the beauty of day-to-day life. I'm honed in on how intricately woven together our lives are for His glory. I'm mindful of how majestic life is when we are walking in His presence, responding to the call of the Spirit, and living out our lives as the exact people that He created us to be.

I am learning to embrace my actual life - not a fantasy future one that I'm striving toward- but the actual one that I'm living right now. The actual people I'm currently connected to, the actual things that I do, and the actual Kingdom work that is already right in front of me.

Sometimes God takes away the things we think we need in order to remind us that we are already fulfilled by Him; He is already everything that we need.

Even when we cannot see it. Even when our hearts are hurting.
HE KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR US IN EVERY SEASON.

His ways are higher. And if we will just trust Him- if we will just cling to His promises, pursue Him, and let the Holy Spirit lead us where He wants us to go... we will feel a settlement of peace and joy take place in our hearts and in our souls.
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"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Galatians 5:22