Spotless

It wasn't until I had to ask someone to delete a message I had sent them that I realized there was a problem.

For so many years now, I've been claiming to be entirely genuine- honest to a fault. I think initially when I established this self-conception, this was true in that season. But over the years, I think I've just gotten so used to claiming this about myself that I kind of forgot the seed behind it and became okay with just reciting it.

“So they sought to find some charge against Daniel concerning the kingdom; but they could find no charge or fault, because he was faithful; nor was there any error or fault found in him.”
‭‭Daniel‬ ‭6:4‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

I want to be like Daniel. I want to be transparent. I want my life to be an open book that ministers to the hearts of others.

But here I am, deleting messages and realizing that perhaps I haven't come quite as far as I had thought. Here I was, just last night, shaking my fist at God for not giving me the things I wanted most in life by now, yet my actions clearly spoke against me even being ready for the responsibility that goes along with it.

i am reminded that if I expect God to entrust me with something, I need to be faithful with what I've already been entrusted with, and that I should be prepared to fully wait upon Him, no matter how long the wait. His timing is better and His ways are higher.

“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭16:10‬ ‭NIV‬

As I pondered this, I wondered what causes me to act out in the self destructive ways I sometimes do. I know better, surely. Yet, I find myself in moments of vulnerability and impatience making the same mistakes again and again.

I can't help but to wonder if it is rooted in some deeper, more subconscious level. Like, I begin to be convinced of the lies the enemy has been whispering and I act accordingly. He says that I am unworthy, incapable of the desires of my heart... so I act out as if I am indeed unworthy and not cut out for it.

It goes back to recognizing who we are in God and believing that as truth... in knowing that our worth comes from God. And for me, not just claiming it- but allowing myself to believe it. To let it exist in my DNA, inmy very core. To letting God wrap me up in his everlasting arms of love and let THAT relationship speak truth over who I am and what I am worthy of.

I think that once that truth seeps into my heart and soul, uprooting the lies that were planted deep in the soil of my being and replacing them with the strong, thick roots of His love, my actions will once again stem not from insecurity, but from confidence in Christ. That is where they will find themselves to be transparent, blameless, shameless, and pure, just as God intends.

““Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the Lord. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭1:18 NIV